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What She's Really Thinking..

Some order to the madness

9/10/10 01:55 pm - Not sure

Ugh, so my old job emailed me my schedule yesterday afternoon. And I start MONDAY. I feel like they could have told me sooner I was not fired. I still do not know what to do, I am trying to figure out if it is humanly possible for me to work 65-67 hours a week and therefore not back out of any promises with anyone. The only problem is schools are only open for classes 9 am-10 pm and only until 7 pm on the weekend. My old job is also an hour and a half away from my new job so travel takes a big bite out of the day.I was so sad before at the thought of never going back to my old job because I have been there since I was 24, but now I am thinking about how many mean and rude people I have encountered there and how my boss does not like me. The students yell at me and make fun of me and the older women there talk behind my back as well (not that it hurts my feelings, there is really only so much you can say to insult me and as a woman that usually consists of a) being fat b) being old c) being single or d) being a slut and none of those really hurt my feelings.)

No one has ever been mean to me at my new/current job, ever and I have been there a year. Even the students are nice to me and run up to introduce me to their friends. I never feel stressed out there or like I am doing a bad job.

I think the only thing keeping me tied to my old job is that it pays more and I guess having been there so long I could get promoted. I guess I should quit, though it is sort of too late to quit, but that is kind of their fault for not telling me I was still employed there.

The only dilemma is I have to be in two places at once on Monday and either way someone will be angry.

9/7/10 08:39 pm

I am thinking of trying to do both jobs and working 67 hours a week. Maybe this is just a reaction to the poverty I faced all summer--working an insane amount of hours so money ceases to be a problem. Working a lot is kind of relaxing in a weird way, it makes my life so I do not have to think about anything else, I can just be. I will have to see if my mean old job will work with my schedule, they have to understand that when they give me no indication that I have work with them I cannot just wait around for them.

I kept getting these emails about jobs teaching at nicer schools in NYC, but whenever I reply to confirm an interview time they never reply. So today I wrote a new reply to one of the emails CCing the secretary's bosses, and it worked. Except now I am like, I already have 67 hours of work ostensibly, why am I chasing new jobs? Maybe I should wait until the end of the semester to look for better work. I seriously am so good at driving myself nuts with stress by willingly embarking on stressful situations. It is almost like I subconsciously invent ways to overbook and overwork myself.

9/6/10 02:50 pm

So my roommate is mad that I will not hang out with him or let him bang on my door after 1 am so he locked me out of the wifi connection at the apartment. Seriously, it takes a lot of self absorption to act creepy and make suggestions that a girl has sex with you, and when she tries to ignore you you punish her. Sorry, but I don't think having sex with some creepy guy is a worthy trade for the use of a wifi connection.

9/2/10 01:48 am

Other than a couple of ims my roommate is totally leaving me alone. I guess my assertive email worked. I never even see him anymore.

8/28/10 02:58 pm

I am ignoring this friend/former coworker of mine and finding excuses to get out of going out with her, even though I like hanging out with her. But subconciously I seem to keep doing things to avoid her. I think it is because last time we hung out (at an innocent gallery show opening!) I wound up getting a ride with her and her friend and his friend and his friend tried to dry hump me and feel me up in the car and shove his tongue in my mouth, and there was a time before when the friend of some guy she was on a date with tried to forcibly make out with me. I think I don't want to hang out with her because I only seem to get into situations with men like that when I am with her. If I stay by myself I am safer than if I am with another person who will make me feel obligated to be in some risky situation like that.

8/25/10 12:49 pm

So I got an email for this teaching position I really want at a four year school in NYC. The woman emailed me to set up an interview on Monday, I emailed her back twice and she never replied. Is it because she emailed me at 3:30 pm and I didn't reply until 8:00 pm? So I called her this morning, though I usually never am so forward and left her a message. It is so annoying to have something dangled in front of me and then snapped away, so then I believe it could actually be mine. Hope she calls back. It's in my experience that if someone doesn't reply to your response it is because they ended up filling the position quickly.

8/23/10 01:21 pm - I finally said it.

So my roommate knocked on my door again on Friday (well technically Saturday) at 12:40 a.m. I was very tired and was falling asleep so I ignored him. He proceeded to bang on my door harder until the door started opening from the sheer force and he started saying my name. I kept ignoring him because I was exhausted and unless the house is burning down do not think knocking on my door after midnight is appropriate. Just because my light is on does not mean I am available.

Then last night he expressed anger at me for ignoring him, telling me he had peeked in my window (how he did this I have no idea as I know for a fact the windows in my room are too high for anyone to see anything more than my ceiling and the top part of my wall from the street) and he saw me awake and home. He said he had to knock on my door to "give my donuts." He said he was going to just open my door, but then thought maybe I wouldn't like that. He then said, oh you had your "headset" on maybe that is why you couldn't hear me. I am baffled as to how he could see close enough to see the tiny ear bud type head phones I had in my ears. Did he like stand on the railing of the stairs? Creepy. I then asked him why he had eaten a bunch of my corn, phrasing it nicely like "Oh I noticed you tried some of my corn..was it good?" He said my other roommate gave it to him. I said um why would David offer you my corn?? He then ran away into his room to avoid further questions. So weird.

So I wrote him an email telling him to please not knock on my door after 1 am, telling him that knocking on my door at 4:30 am is intrusive unless in the case of an emergency or other urgent matter. (He knocked on my door at 4:30 am recently, saying he had to because he thought maybe I was having a bad dream or having trouble sleeping so he needed to help me.) I said that even though my light is on, I might still be asleep or indisposed. I said that I am not obligated to open my door or let him inside my room, and if this is something he is opposed to or upset by I am willing to discuss it with him. I said that if he needs to get a hold of me he can write me an email or call me.

Some men are just completely clueless when it comes to seeing how creepy they are being. I hope this doesn't create a hostile environment but I work a lot and need my quiet time and privacy.

8/18/10 12:44 pm - Journalism doesn't make you a lot of friends

One of the things I hate most about journalism is how now and then you will write a review/article/profile and the person or persons whose work you are reviewing or covering will misinterpret your words, even when they are laudatory and will get angry at you. Sometimes this is because an editor will snip out words leaving the review more vague or sometimes this is because the person who I am writing about is just overly paranoid.

Anyways, I wrote a review PRAISING a new novel, I genuinely liked it, despite the fact that the novel has serious misogynistic tones. I wrote a review going on and on about how gifted the writer was and how poetic his words were. He wrote a really long angry letter which seemed to be only pissed off because a) He says I write like a tenth grader giving a book report (Do tenth graders even give book reports? Because I sure as hell didn't.) b) The use of the adjective "listless" to describe his character. And c) He says I got the character's age wrong. So now, I have to write a letter of response to the author and go through the book finding textual evidence to back up my entire review. I think the author has never had his work reviewed before. And he must have never taken a creative writing class or belonged to a writing group, because if he had he would be used to people criticizing his work or misinterpreting it. My review was much nicer than what any classmates might say.

Seriously, I have no idea how to not piss off people with my writing. Funny, when I write reviews that are actually overly critical (like when I called the band Louis XIV misogynistic) no one bothers to say a word about it. It is only me positive reviews that anger people for some reason.

8/16/10 11:39 pm - I guess a creep is better than a psychotic bitch as far as roommates go

So I came home drunk at 4:30 am on Friday after going out drinking with D. I thought our friendship was on the rocks though I think perhaps me being broke from my job more created a rift. I did something I never usually do and let the guys at the bar we went to buy me drinks because I was broke. I think I feel more okay doing it with D because then there are two of us they are buying drinks for and it is easier to blow them off when it comes time to leave. It was funny though, remember that episode of Sex and the City where Miranda lies and says she's a flight attendant in speed dating because men do not want to date a woman who has a higher ranking career than them? Well I noticed that when I honestly told some moron who bought me jello shots and beer what I did for a living he got a disappointed look on his face because my job is a college degree requiring job and his wasn't.

When I came home my roommate started knocking on my door to ask me to hang out. I ignored him, because I am sorry but unless it is an emergency 4:30 am is not an okay time to bother me.
The next night I locked myself out because I had thrown my keys by my bed in my drunkeness unbeknown to me. I had to call my roommate and have him let me in. He then turned this into him asking me why I was mad at him and why I won't hang out with him. He told me his roommates usually get mad at him for no reason. I later had the thought, were your other roommates girls? They probably were just creeped out by you. I said no I wasn't mad and thank you for letting me in. He then insisted I watch a movie with him for a bit. I said okay but sat on a chair instead of on his bed like he wanted, he kept cajoling me to sit on the bed. I thought okay, he's not being creepy, I will just watch this movie since he was nice enough to let me in. He then started doing things like trying to hold my hand and putting his arm around me and kissing me on the cheek. I said, hey I am really tired I need to go to bed. He actually said, if you are so tired why don't you just sleep here in my bed? I just acted like he was joking and said no really, I'm going to my room now, bye. He then kept insisting how it would be no trouble to just sleep in his bed.

So weird. I understand men wanting to get laid and everything, but hitting on your roommate so tackily just seems in very poor taste. If you need to go hunt down some meaningless sex I am pretty sure it is wise to leave your home to find said people to engage in sex with. Even if I were hypothetically attracted to my roommate I would have the sense to not act on it.

8/10/10 02:13 pm

Why do so many people keep asking me for hook ups for employment/freelance gigs? I am happy to help, as people have helped me out in the past, but you do realize how inconsistently employed I am, right? I am a girl who has paid her rent late the past two months and can't afford new shoes or a haircut this summer. Do you really want to take on any jobs I have? Some seasons I have more than enough moolah to buy whatever I want and the next season I can't even pay my cell phone bill. Though I guess anything helps.
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