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What She's Really Thinking..

Some order to the madness

11/28/10 07:50 am - diy computer repair

Some errant drips of coffee from my coffee thermos somehow leaked onto my netbook in my bag and the keys stopped working. Amazingly, I fixed this by putting rice on the keyboard over night and then the next night having the netbook sit open on top of my hot radiator. And now it is as good as new.

11/23/10 07:48 am

I seem to get angry at myself whenever I have an emotional response to anything, like it is a display of my shortcomings as a human being. But I cannot be completely robotic all the time.

10/31/10 01:38 pm - is it silly to still act like I am pissed off?

I decided to eat my lunch in the cafeteria today and my coworker that I am friendly with motioned me to come eat with him. He was sitting next to the guy who kissed me back in August so I just shook my head and quickly walked away. It feels silly to act like that when it happened so many months ago, but I feel like if I don't show that guy how wrong he is it is like saying that it is okay for any man to treat me like that. Any man who treats my body like garbage deserves to be treated with disdain.If he apologized and said that was a really stupid thing to do in the workplace I would be okay, but that's never going to happen.

10/26/10 02:58 pm - My friend

I am so glad my job has a faculty cafeteria, I can buy my coffee and drink it in peace and quiet without being hit on by intellect-less eighteen year olds (when will people start noticing how OLD I am. I have trouble just convincing waiters I am over 21.)

I am still friends with my friend who blew off because of a guy on my birthday. I just am aware that men will always come first with her now. In actuality though, she was not with the eharmony guy on my birthday. Rather, she was upset because they were together for four days (they only just met on the first day) and during that time she met his parents, he told her he was in love with her, told her he wanted to marry her, and told her she should move to the middle east with him. But then apparently, he found out she helps her family financially and then decided if they got married that would be a problem so he lost interest. Then she met a new guy who also told her right away he wants to marry her and is in love with her and wanted her to be his girlfriend the second time they met.

I told my friend, I know that seems really romantic and exciting to you, but that is not normal. Getting that obsessive that early is a huge red flag. Someone who wants you meet his parents and marry him after only knowing you for four days is not normal. She meets normalish men sometimes who live in the actual same city as us, but she never is interested in them, she always wants people who live faraway and who want an intense relationship right away.

Dating/sex in New York City has always seemed very strange to me. I, and other have noticed that people either seem to want to use you for sex and throw you away like an empty can or dig their nails deeply into you and try to force you into some kind of dependent, suffocating relationship despite barely knowing you. My friend says it is because people try the first route and feel so alone and empty that they do a 360 and want to never be alone. I think both behaviors are pretty gross, but New York seems to be all about extremes.

9/29/10 10:29 am - friends who put men first, even on your birthday

I am a little upset with my best friend, and I am someone that almost never gets angry, especially at women. She has been on this whole "I WILL NOT DIE ALONE" kick, and has been forcing herself to go on tons and tons of eHarmony dates, despite the fact that she doesn't even turn 26 for another month and a half. So some strange man that she meant on said website was coming all the way here to meet her. She told me that she had arranged it so she would still be able to make the birthday dinner she had planned with me in advance. I guess however she decided to cancel my dinner with me and spend extra time with him, she did not ever bother to inform me of this. Instead, her way of telling me was to completely ignore me for the week preceding my birthday, not answering my texts, emails, phone calls, etc. Since she usually calls me a lot I left her a Facebook comment asking her if she was okay since it was a little weird for her to be so silent for such a long period of time. She replied back that she was fine and was totally going to make my birthday dinner. I replied back asking her what time she was coming, no response. Then on the actual day of my birthday I finally call her and she says "Oh let's just do it another day, okay?" I say, no today is my birthday but it is almost over and then we never have to talk about it again. She says no, you have no say in the matter, I am still taking you out to dinner for your birthday. I hang up on her. She did not even apologize.

I am just annoyed that she canceled on me for a guy and then did not even tell me. On her birthday she had been upset because her boyfriend had been a dick to her and her only other friend had canceled on her and I cheered her up and went out of my way to do nice things for her.
Luckily, two of my nice coworkers bought me drinks for my birthday and hung out with me, but it just really made me upset to be dissed by my closest friend on my birthday. I feel like refusing to let her buy me dinner is immature, but I at least want an apology or some admission from her that she could have handled her cancellation better.

9/16/10 10:33 pm - feminist overload, blech.

My book review assignments have gotten a little stale, probably because the magazines I review books for are almost all feminist magazines which seriously limits the types of books I am assigned.
I had down time at work and was trying to read my assignments but they included an anthology of lesbian erotica and a book centered around the Écriture féminine school of theory.
I was like can I stop reading about vaginas please, really, I am so sick of seeing the words "labia" and "clitoris."

So I tried to read an Amélie Nothomb book I am reviewing, but that only consisted of endless discussion of whether or not the book's famous author was a misogynist because he had never slept with a woman.

However, last time I wrote a book review for a non feminist publication the male author called me a terrible writer for calling his main character listless. I still never wrote a response to him, which I need to do if I want my freelance gig back.

9/14/10 10:29 pm

I guess my roommate is angry at me because I do not answer his emails or messages because I am busy. I sometimes leave my laptop on and then go out for the day. He wrote me some angry im saying I disrespect him by not answering his instant messages, so I said I think knocking on someone's door at 4:30 a.m. is disrespectful, so he wrote this:

He wrote me this almost unreadable email:

I never bang ur room .4:30 it was arround 1 and i always respect u. Even tho if u stay over in my room all night long , i guess it would be normal to bang ur foor late. And when i did was not to ask u for some fun or any thing it was to give u some donuts i had. And i knock ur door once .tho i knew u were up . I left right away after u didnt answer and didnt try it again
.cos i respect. No u r wrong u r not perfectly nice person cos what u mentiond in the last couple emails
.being clean and have the place clean is for ur self brfore any one else and has no thing to do with my internet. If u want my internet u have to ask me for it in personal cos that part of respect. I guess this disscusion is ended and there is no thing else to talk about
have anice day

I don't even know what he means or care, none of my roommates like him so it is not like him not liking me will lead to me being kicked out or anything. Probably in the long run it is better a guy thinks I am a bitch than a nice girl, less likely he will hit on me anymore :). Plus some part of me really enjoys standing up to men and calling them on their bullshit, even though I usually just let things go.

9/12/10 07:42 pm

I had to write my boss at my new job this morning and tell her I will be missing some of my hours as I have to go to my old job and meet with my boss to resolve my schedule problems. My only reasons for feeling like I need to stay there are the higher pay and the union benefits. But my new job provides health insurance, though some of the cost has to be incurred by me. I really wish they had told me I was getting hours sooner so I could have decided this sooner. But I can tell I am not happy at the prospect of returning there, already dreading it.
My friend started lauhing last night when I told her I falsely thought I was fired so I didn't bother resigning. This is the second time working at two schools has stressed me out, really time to stop.

9/12/10 11:40 am - do you honestly think I would go on a date? I mean really...

I am kind of annoyed/surprised that whenever I hang out with anyone who is male people will for some reason think that that means I am on a date and there is something sexual going on with said male. It makes me want to say "You are not a very observant person, are you?"

I say this because last night B said to me that her boyfriend (who seems to closely follow my Facebook updates) told her that I have a Scandinavian boyfriend and B seemed to think this was true and was all like oh yes how did you meet him. All I said in my facebook status update was that I hung out with some guy from Finland, why people would turn thia into me having a boyfriend I do not know. I wanted to say (and should have said) you have known me for three years now. Have I ever during that time ever expressed the teeniest bit of sexual interest in any male or let alone human being? I mean wouldn't statements like "I have a boyfriend" or "I went on a date" be followed by "and shortly there after hell froze over?

It is annoying because I remember when I was younger and would have friends who were boys my female friends would all decide I had a sexual interest and sometimes their conjectures would get back to said friend and it would either turn into ew, you like me? or awesome because I am secretly into you which are both lose lose situations.

Maybe when I am 50 and people will realize I have lived half a century without ever going on a date they will not assume that me spending any time around a male denotes sexual motives. Because, you know, if I was going to go on a date wouldn't I have done it before I had to start thinking about things like menopause?

9/12/10 11:23 am - Last Night

I hung out with my friend Brieanne yesterday. We were supposed to go to this uber cheesy fashion show where we were both on the list because we are journalists that write about useless things like tote bags, jewelry lines, indie rock albums, and obscure theater no one will ever go see.
(I do not call myself a journalist, or even a writer although I do actually get paid for words that get published so maybe in a sort of optimistic kind of mindset I can just maybe count as a journalist if you are being generous.) But B was wearing saddle shoe sneakers with her dress and everyone else was in heels so she got uncomfortable and made us leave. But I wanted to stay because there were super cheesy celebrities there like Kourtney Kardashian and Kate Cassidy plus giftbags. I mean, that stuff is pretty lame but once in awhile it is sort of amusing to put on a designer dress and go to some place where people are struggling to get in and are waiting to snap photos of b level celebrities, and say oh I am on the list. But yes, the people who go to those things are also vapid assholes so I can see why one would be uncomfortable. But as a girl who used to have to interview arrogant rock boys all the time, I am used to pretentious assholes.

We were supposed to go to a whiskey tasting as well but that was starting by the time the F train came to find us, so I agreed to go all the way to Jersey with her.
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